For those of us who grew up with loving fathers, it goes without saying that we benefited greatly from having them in our lives. Christianity has long recognized the value of 2-parent families, and while valuing motherhood, has also recognized a special place for fathers. Secular Western society, however, has seemed to let men off the hook (so-to-speak) recently, and often subtley and not-so-subtlely, downplays the importance of a father in the life of a child. However, research has consistently shown that fathers matter in the moral and economic success of a family. Denying this is not doing our children any favors.
New research shows that while involving the father in parenting decisions is good for children, our society, and even many mothers, discourage participation from fathers. The New York Times ran an interesting article about this that I will summarize below.
A new study shows that programs that help fathers become better parents, which also involve the mother, result in children that are less hyperactive, aggressive, and depressed. This is the case even if parents are divorced. Those couples taking these classes had less marital stress and more marital happiness.
So why are fathers not more involved in parenting? Well, the article mentions that while some men are truly deadbeats, men are told, both explicitly and implicitly, that fathers don’t have to be involved in their child’s lives. For example, family resource centers are often painted pink and only display women’s magazines. Is this saying “men shouldn’t parent?” Not outright, but it does hint that mothers do the parenting. Additionally, fatherly parenting styles are often viewed suspiciously. As the article mentions, fathers father, they do not mother, and many mothers and experts expect fathers to parent their children the same way a mother would. The experts in the article recommend that parents talk out parenting strategies so that both parenting styles can be utilized. And, of course, they recommend the father be encouraged to parent. Even my own anecdotal experience suggests this. My parents offered very different things to my upbringing; both positively shaped who I am today, and I am thankful for my dad’s no-nonsense, “get them ready for the world” attitude, but also that my mom was there to hear me complain when I had too much of it.
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Let’s face it, men receive all sorts of competing messages about fatherhood. Part of this is the rising hostility toward the traditional family model, and part of it is due to the fact that we suffer from a lack of moral formation in a society in general. In our own school district we have seen the dissolution of “character education” for fear that someone might be offended. But even the traditional model is conflictual: father as sole bread winner and wife as stay at home mom can lead to situation where dad is NEVER around to participate if the family doesn’t strive to keep balance.
In our home I am the one who spends the most time with the children during the work week due to the flexibility inherent in my schedule. My wife and I have very different styles of parenting (I am all about controlled chaos) but the different approaches form a symbiotic whole that allows our family to “work.”
Robb I am with you all the way.